I haven't updated my journal in the last couple of days because I think I have too much on my mind and have writers block.
For the past couple of days I have been doing a lot of thinking. Thinking about the past, thinking about the future and thinking about what never was.
I've been thinking about my health too. I want to live a long life and be the kind of Grandma to Madison that my paternal Grandmother was to me. I've got to get serious about taking care of myself. I've got to stop putting off annual exams and be more responsible. I used to be much better at that than I am now.
When did I start procrastinating? I honestly don't remember, but I think it was around the time that I was promoted into management. I think that I lost sight of myself in the wake of what I considered success. I stopped taking vacations, stopped annual checkups, and lost track of some family and friends for a period of time.
Perhaps my position was eliminated not by mere mortals or anything as simplistic as a budget. Maybe a higher power looked down on me and saw what I was neglecting to do for myself - keeping myself healthy. "Enough is enough!" My higher power may have roared. "Since you can't manage both the job and your private life, one must go!" I believe that everything happens for a reason. Could it be that a higher power or guardian angel was and is watching over me?
I've been thinking a lot about my mother and my father, among other losses of years gone by. Why? Oh, I know why. Because I'm afraid of losing my dear friend of 30 years. Somehow it dredges up old emotions that I thought was put to rest long ago. But old emotions are never put to rest. They lay just under the surface, festering and threatening to boil over at the first hint of vulnerability.
I need to make peace within myself, and plans for my future. Hopefully my creative juices will start flowing again soon also. Right now, I feel drained emotionally.
I wish you a restful weekend.
Peace be with each of you.
4 comments:
I wish you a peaceful weekend too. Old emotions popping up out of yesterday are really hard to cope with. They always yank the ground right out from under me. I', strugging through way too many right now. As well, I'm having to let go of people I thought would be with me forever. I'm praying for you, pray for me, please. I could use lots of prayer right now.
Gosh, sounds like you've got the blues, and for a good reason, too.
Spoil yourself a bit this weekend. Rent a great movie you haven't seen, start on a new, fun book, get yourself a CD, take a super bubbly bath, light candles all around the house (making sure none are too close to curtains, etc.), and take some spiritual time off.
What a heartfelt entry. Yes, the fear of losing a friend reminds us of our own mortalilty. It's normal. Get that check up and go on living and enjoying life. You have miles to go. : )
I sincerely hope this weekend helps you restore your resources.
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